It's been over a month now. It's amazing how different I feel. I think back on the despair and grief, and it sort of makes me sick to my stomach. I don't feel those feelings anymore. I never thought I'd be able to say that. So, it's true what they say - give it time. It still makes me sad to think about sometimes. Sadness in between the intermittent anger and plain indifference. More often than not it feels bittersweet. Before he wasn't, he was a great friend to me. We had so much in common, it was absurd. Music, feelings, opinions. Our relationship, from start to finish, helped my life transition from one place to another. I'm in a better place now than I was before him.
Even more so, I'm in a better place now than I was with him.
Last week, in a moment of complete lack of self control and irrationality, I sent him a scathing e-mail. It was short, but to the point. I was angry. He was the target. He didn't respond, but likely because I told him not to. If he did, "I'd throw up," I said to him. Just part of the word vomit.
I didn't feel better after I sent it. As the days moved on, I felt worse. I didn't want to leave this piece of my life open-ended and full of anger. The relationship we had deserved better.
In my mind I hold one memory very closely. It was early summer. Warm, sunny. We spread a blanket in the backyard, and played our new CDs on the boombox. He read a magazine and I napped, his sweatshirt as a pillow. I remember the slight sunburn that resulted. That day is crystal clear in my mind. The perfect day. That's where our memory belongs.
Last night I sent him a new e-mail. A final e-mail. It was my closure.
I just wanted to apologize for my email the other day. I'm sorry. I feel like I'll never get closure if I don't apologize.
I'm sorry that I can't go back to before "us" and have our friendship back. I wish I could. I think about you and miss a piece of you every day. I'm sorry this broke me more than it broke you, and that's why we'll never be able to go back.
I went over this breakup thousands of times, as I'm sure you read on my blog. I fought against it so hard, but in the end, maybe we are better. You are a great person. You will forever be a stranger to me now, which is scary, but for a long time you were Bug. And I'll always know that.
Each of us had things to learn about each other, and we each have a lot to learn about relationships.
I want to hate you, and part of me does, but another part will always love Bug. Because that's who you are to me. Whatever you become from here on out won't change that.
I want you to be happy and OK. I will be, too. In a month's time I hurt so much less, but I have a ways to go before the thought of you doesn't feel like a punch.
So I wanted to apologize, and I have. I want to close the door and feel OK and get rid of the animosity. Well, as much as I can, at least. Hating you doesn't feel right. Missing you doesn't feel right, either, but I feel there has to be a happy medium.
If Bug is still in there, remind him that the other Bug loves and misses him. But that it is OK. They are together somewhere, listening to good music and laying in the sunshine in the backyard where they belong.