Other than a horrifying cancer scare that resulted in a D&C eight weeks after a birth that tore my cervix, required an episiotomy, and caused me to bleed for two months, I'd say my postpartum recovery has been pretty uneventful.
(WHO'S READY TO HAVE A BABY NOW?)
(IT'S SUPER FUN)
(BUT NO SERIOUSLY, HE'S REAL CUTE, LOOK)
People spew a lot of information at you when you're about to have a baby. Depending on the source, I took the friendly tips and stored them away for later use. Or I rolled my eyes and threw things at the wall. But mostly the knowledge has been helpful.
I heard on more than one occasion, GOOD LUCK RUNNING AFTER BABY, LOL, YOU'LL JUST PEE YOURSELF EVERY TIME.
Like, come on. How is this helpful to a person 30 pounds heavier than normal and unable to run due to the entire person growing inside her body?
But deep down, I secretly -- and openly -- hoped my pelvic floor would come away unscathed. I've had my fair share of pelvic situations, including a broken one, but this is one I could really do without.
So, NEWSFLASH: I am now four-and-a-half months postpartum and I can't make it through a run without completely involuntarily peeing myself. A little or a lot. You never know what you're gonna get. IT'S LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES. EXCEPT PEE.
Most often it's when I begin a run; something about that initial jostling. Or, like yesterday, it's just a continual and unfortunate leak for the duration of my 6-mile run, and I return home to immediately remove my pants and ask the internet how to get pee out of clothing.
I could be more eloquent, but there's really no other way to say that peeing your pants is bullshit.
It's the result of a weak pelvic floor, it's common but not "normal" (what's normal, anyway?), and a pelvic floor physical therapist can help. These are the things I've been told. "They," you know, the Pregnancy Overlords, recommend meeting with a pelvic floor physical therapist during pregnancy to begin preemptive work to prevent the piss issues -- pissues? But, of course, I didn't. I was busy feeling sorry for myself while mainlining Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
So now here I am, pants peeing. I pee myself. Hello, my name is Krista and yes that is pee.
I'm only a couple months into postpartum running, so it feels mildly manageable right now. It's winter, I'm bundled up, I can get away with panty liners and short mileage. But eventually this is going to become excessively problematic. Double-digit runs. Speed work. Summertime. Running shorts?
INTERNET, I CANNOT POSSIBLY PEE MYSELF FOREVER. THERE MUST BE AN END. MY RUNNING WARDROBE IS FAR TOO VALUABLE TO PISS AWAY. LITERALLY.
Yesterday I reached my tipping point. My saturation point? I returned from my run, and after asking the internet how to get the pee out of my $90 running tights (you guys, there are many, varied ways), I ordered pee underwear. They are literally called pee-proof underwear. This is my life now. I am newly 36 years old and the proud owner of two pair of pee-proof underwear.
I mean, it's fine. There are worse things, of course. Like the cervical cancer I thought I had three months ago (I can't even think about those 24 hours without wanting to crawl into a cave and rage scream). I got away without stretch marks, my pre-pregnancy clothes mostly fit again, and I have the cutest baby in the entire solar system (don't argue with me).
But one thing that would be really cool is if I could go for a run without actually pissing my pants. You know, whatever. Just a small ask.
Okay yeah I'm gross. Don't shame me, kid.