I was highly looking forward to my ride tonight on the bike. Highly. I mapped my 40-mile route. The sun was shining. It was going to be fabulous. With a capital F. Fabulous.
And it was, mostly.
Except there are only three (and by "three," I mean "27") things that mortify me - deer. Dead deer. And bugs with wings (i.e. butterflies, etc.).
So I'm cruising along. On mile two. Of 40, mind you. And along comes a carcass. A deer carcass, about five inches from the shoulder of the road that I am riding on. I remember this carcass from the weekend, though. Only then, it was bloated. You know, all stiff and puffy from the heat? So, over the weekend it was a big, bloated, stiff-legged, inflated deer carcass. And I almost died then. But tonight? Tonight it was deflated. And smelly. And its insides were exploded about three inches closer to the shoulder of the road that I am riding on. And I gagged. And got shivers. And called out to my mommy.
But then it was over. And I was safely on my way up the highway. But by this point I was mortified. And on edge. And every speeding car that ripped past me took about seven years off my life. I felt like I was being chased by a rotting deer carcass. And I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. Until a large, flying bug flew directly into my face and bounced off my two front teeth. A bug. With wings. That was large. And that is how I died.
I can't take this anymore! That time I screamed, out loud, because so far the first four miles of my ride were the Worst Experience of My Life. And it wasn't done.
I took a new route tonight and veered off the main highway onto an old country road. It was quiet, peaceful. Lots of trees and shade. No carcasses of any kind. Up ahead on the road, as I squinted through a patch of sunlight, I saw someone walking across the road, so I slowed up a bit. As I got closer, I realized it wasn't a person.
And that's when I saw a DEER crossing my path. About 20 feet in front of me. On an old, abandoned country road.
"You have got to be (censored) kidding me."
I spoke those words aloud. Or too the deer. Or to God, who was clearly pissed at me today. A deer! Alive! In front of me! And I was alone on a country road! And I realize any rational person would've taken the moment to relish in the beauty of nature, but people! I am not rational!
And so we - the deer and I - had a stare-down for all of 11 seconds. She stood, in the middle of the road, giving me the eye. And I rolled my bike to a halt, staring into the eyes of a deer, who clearly had no intentions of letting me through alive. I considered, for a brief moment, pooping my pants, because really, what other options do I have at this point?
And before I could say, "shit," she ran. In the opposite direction. Back into the trees. Probably to get her friends and tell them about the asinine woman on the bike.
I spent the remainder of my ride on the lookout. Every noise, every bug, every car, every bird, every crack on the highway made me pee my pants. And I still had about 32 miles to go.
I will have you know I made it alive, as made evident by the fact that I am here, posting this on my blog. But the entire experience was not cool at all. At all. And tonight? I will have nightmares.