In something like the year 2007 I was addicted to a little child wizard phenomenon. I think they called him... Harry Potter? Yes. Yes, that's it. It was all very, "omg wizardry and children and look! how cute danielle radcliffe is! omg ponies!"
And then there was this very significant moment in the film version of the fourth book where we were introduced to the film version of a character that is not Harry Potter. His name was Cedric Diggory. Oh, I loved this not Harry Potter. Cedric Diggory. Who is this Cedric Diggory because LOOK AT HIM. I want one!
Thank you IMDB.com for introducing me to some guy named Robert Pattinson.
Who is this Robert Pattinson character? Oh, whatever, forget who he is because LOOK AT THAT WIZARD THAT'S NOT HARRY POTTER. Every time I watched the movie and not Harry Potter died, my little, 'tween heart broke.
Nooooooo, boy wizard. Nooooo! Your hair is so great!
And from that moment forward, my love for the Harry Potter series was held in place solely by my infatuation with a short-lived character who is not Harry Potter, named Cedric Diggory. I'm not kidding, you guys. Someone once took a photo of me and my significant other, superimposed Cedric Diggory's head over his head, put it in a frame and gifted it to me. (Chalk that up to things I should never admit out loud ever again).
Then someone said something to me about some shit called Twilight. I'm sorry, what? Do not want. Vampires? Please. I do not want to read books about vampires. Bah! I have boy wizards! Until someone spoke words to me from which I would never recover:
"The guy who plays Cedric Diggory is going to play the vampire in the movie adaptation."
Within three days I owned all four books. Within another week, I'd read them all. Within a few months, I'd read them all twice. And then the movies were released, and that is how I died.
Drool, wipe, drool, omg Edward, etc.
I became an almost-30-year-old teenager.
And that is the story of how Cedric Diggory ruined my life.