Today was my first day on the job. Pardon my lack of enthusiasm. Perhaps there will be more of it when the paychecks come rolling in.
Felt like the first day of kindergarten. If kindergarten were similar to that feeling you get when you walk into the DMV and inherently know you don't belong. I'm not sure if it was my education or my Coach wristlet that set me apart. Or the fact that I'm clearly a heinous bitch. I'm just being honest.
My sister quite literally held my hand as she walked me into the training room. I'm also positive I let out an audible whimper when she let go and left me alone in a room full of strangers.
OMFG YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE.
Oh, but I was left.
I'm spending the next 10 weeks in a training group with about a dozen other trainees. We've got to learn the ropes, you know. A constant reminder of my failed career.
(Bitch. Me. Right here.)
(Paycheck... Paycheck... Paycheck...)
Today was a long day of "get to know yous" and 90-minute seminars on attendance policies. I was surrounded by people who can't quite grasp the concept of attendance or policies. IT'S REAL HARD not to be tardy.
"So, um, what if, like, I'm on my way to work, and, like, it's blizzarding and, um, I hit a polar bear? And then a flash flood washes away my trailer? Will I still be disciplined for being tardy?"
Swear to God these are the kinds of questions people were asking. It was like a game of Worst Case Scenario, instead of just agreeing to not be tardy and shutting the fuck up.
"But... Do I get off of work for my birthday? Because my birthday is in August? Can I bring cake?"
:: shoot me ::
Seriously, you guys, it was kindergarten.
The highlight of my day was the team building exercise. The whole lot of us had to introduce ourselves as we sat in a circle, feeling not unlike a bad stint in Alcoholics Anonymous.
"Hi, my name is Krista and once upon a time I was a journalist, but now you can go ahead and blow out my brains."
As part of our introduction, we had to reveal which one person we'd want to be trapped with on a desert island. I truly put some thought into it before scribbling down my answer, but very quickly realized my answer was a huge fail when the first guy to respond said he wouldn't take anyone because he cared too deeply about his family and friends, and wouldn't want any of them to die with him on the island.
The rest of the answers were all, "I'd take my son!" Or "I couldn't be trapped without my husband!" Or "I'd take my husband and daughter because we're a package deal!"
I had to reevaluate my life a little after I admitted to a group of strangers that I'd choose to be trapped on an island with Jason Mraz.
I considered mom, dad and sister, but then realized I'd be trapped on the island with this person, and as a 27-year-old woman, I've got NEEDS, OK? Needs that certainly Jason Mraz could fill when we decided to re-populate the island.
Come on. Work with me.
I felt a little better after one of the trainers said she'd choose Denzel Washington. Good to know at least one other person has their priorities in the toilet.
I'd definitely call today a success.