'Someone get me to the doctor' *

Breaking news. Huge, wildly important, and also tragic, breaking news. Members of My Chemical Romance have been injured. This is both terrible and also AWESOME news. So let me explain.

First, let me tell you what they told me. Because, you know, we're all buddy-buddy and we chat. Often. All the time. Like, this morning for example. (Or I totally read it on their MySpace blog, but whatever. We're tight. So tight, in fact, that I describe the relationship as tight, and I hate that word. And I'm totally making this up so ignore me).

Anyway... on with it:

"Last week, while shooting a new video for our new record, 2 of us sustained some damage more than we normally would have. Gerard tore multiple ligaments in his ankle and Bob received a bad burn to the back of his leg... the pain was overwhelming... there were serious injuries... side note: also, we love Krista... "

And, now, let's closely examine this statement. Let's begin with "last week" and " new video" and "new record." OHMYGOD. All this new-ness? Do you understand what follows a "new record"? Um, a new TOUR. And KRISTA WILL GET TO SEE THEM LIVE. And, HOLY CRAP, that's the BEST DAY EVER, except you know, getting married and whatnot, but, details...

Next, "more damage than we normally would have"? Uh, normally? Would have? Is it normal to sustain damage to oneself while making a video? Oh, Gerard, have I taught you nothing of safe and responsible video-making?

And then "Gerard." Gerard deserves his own note of interest. But more interesting is, "Gerard tore multiple ligaments." GASP. Oh, Gerard, my darling. Torn ligaments? You must be in so much pain... Sigh. It's OK my little aloe plant. Oh, wait. Wrong Gerard. However, Gerard has been injured. This is a tragedy.

And also "overwhelming" and "serious" pain and injuries? I may lose sleep over this.

And, totally don't knock the "side note." They wrote it, they did. And even if it's since been removed from said blog, it was there. I know it was. They love me. They do. And I can prove it. I can.

Ahem, so... uh, there you have it. You've been successfully updated.

* $8 chamillion dollars to the person who recognized this line from the My Chemical Romance song "Vampires Will Never Hurt You."