Right before I moved, one of the cats peed on my pillow. On my bed. ON MY EDWARD CULLEN PILLOWCASE, which is an offense punishable by death on its own. Pillows were thrown out, sheets, mattress pad and comforter were fumigated. Even Edward was spared. All was right in the world of Asshole Cats. And then I moved. My parents brought up a couch that belonged to my aunt. It's an old couch, kind of smelly. Conspicuous stains throughout that look remarkably like pee. She's got about eleventy dogs. The fear existed that this couch was doomed. First of all, clearly the cats are pissed. One of them is pissed, at least. Literally. <shakes head> But I haven't figured out which one. I suspect Chicken, for no other reason than she's the finicky cat. She hates change. She's delicate. But if history teaches me anything, I'd point to Harley, who's favorite pastime is shitting all over my existence. Also literally.
But one week passed. Then two. The cats came around, started enjoying the extra room to roam, the new furniture to decimate with fur. NOBODY PEED. Hooray!
Until yesterday. There it was. The spreading wet spot. Somebody peed on the throw pillow, which then spread to the couch cushion.
After bashing my face into the wall 78 times and slamming my body into oncoming traffic, I soaked the cushion in some pricey concoction of Cat Pee Remover. Tossed the pillow, threw the cushion out on the balcony to recover. I doused the rest of the couch in some Asshole Cat Repellent I recently bought at the pet store to prevent Harley from shitting on my pretty new kitchen rug. I took a deep breath. It would all be OK. It would. It was just pee. They're just cats. The couch will be salvaged, I swear it.
Until this morning. When I noticed more. In the spot where the cushion previously had been.
*SHAKES FISTS AT THE HEAVENS*
WHY GOD! WHY?!
I am coming to you, Internet. To tell me what to do. How do I make it stop? Is the couch a lost cause? Are my cats a lost cause? Can I tie them up in a garbage bag, fill it with rocks, and drop it into Lake Monona? (NO! JUST KIDDING! NEVER! EVER!)