I could hardly sleep last night. A brand-new Nintendo Wii was burning a hole in the kitchen cabinet. (Yes, I've taken to hiding things in unused kitchen cabinets).
The Fiance has yearned for this piece of gaming technology since, probably, someone thought to create it. We've played it just once, with our friends, and he was addicted. Sort of the way he's addicted to golf. And weather.com. (Because he is).
And his friends had one, and Kritta, I need a Nintendo Wii, Kritta. Kritta, come on. I want one. Kritta.
And so, because I am very in tune to the needs of this man (and because I'm hoping maybe, just once, he'll clean the litterbox in return), I bought him a Nintendo Wii for his birthday, which is today. And not just the Nintendo Wii. He also very much needed Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07 for his new Wii (because Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07 for his Playstation 2 will just not suffice. And because he's special).
I bought these for him weeks ago. Weeks and weeks. Because, A) I had the money weeks and weeks ago, and B) Nintendo Wiis are impossible to get your hands on. And in the meantime, I've been squealing inside because, "I am so earning brownie points for this," and, hi, it's Nintendo Wii. And if he has one, I, by default, will have one as well.
As a distraction, I've been convincing him that I was taking him away for the night, so he would never guess his actual present. He constantly asked if it was golf-related, this trip of ours, because if golf was not included, then it was a total waste of his time. I just smiled politely and told him to shut up.
But last night? It was his birthday eve. That meant in hours I would be able to make him the happiest man alive. I would give him reason to live. Reason to love. Reason to take his next breath. Please note that I am none of these reasons, and that the only other thing to make him go on living would be to roll naked on the fairway of Augusta National Golf Club, but nonetheless.
So in the middle of the night, while he was deep in slumber, probably dreaming about eating the Beefeater with Tiger Woods, I snuck into the kitchen, retrieved the Nintendo Wii, and hid it by my side of the bed. I had a plan.
Just before 6 a.m., when my alarm would inevitably sound, waking us both, I pulled the Nintendo Wii into bed, under the covers, and maneuvered it between us. I've discovered that if I stare at him long enough, he'll open his eyes. So, I stared. And sure enough, in about 14 seconds, his eyes struggled open.
He buried his face.
"Herman. Happy biiiirthday!"
"I birthed something for you."
And that got his attention, albeit it I think he was more frightened than curious. With that, I slowly pulled the Nintendo Wii out from under the covers between us, and suddenly heaven opened, the sun shone, the angels harked, or whatever they do, and my God, The Fiance was wide awake before 6 a.m.
He stared at the box. Then at me. Then he buried his face in the pillow. Back at the box. Back at me. The box. The pillow. Me. Box. Box. Me. Box. Pillow.
"Oh my God. Is that real?"
I beamed. My plan was working!
"Kritta. Is that a Nintendo Wii?"
He touched the box, slowly. Turning it around. You'd think I actually had given birth, to a live baby, the way he handled his new prize.
"It's real," he breathed.
And then it got better. I brought in the other present, which he tore open. And in his hands, in his very own bed even, he held a Nintendo Wii and the new Tiger Woods game. I thought, in that moment, he might die.
"You birthed a Nintendo Wii," he said, pondering the possibility. Suddenly, it was as if a light bulb flashed in his mind. As if the thought in his mind was so great, it hurt to hold it in.
"That means," he said, slowly, "when we have sex, you can birth Nintendo Wiis."
Happy birthday. I love you.