This blog has turned into cheap therapy. I find myself crying, so I spill everything on the Internet, and I stop. A cure! Only I'm not cured at all.
I don't know how to do this. I am bad at it. I can't be angry. I'm quite good at being sad. I test out anger and it's hard. I just sifted through recent comments and edited out any defamatory remarks about him.
I don't know.
His feelings matter to me. Four days ago they were all that mattered to me. I am sparing him. Perhaps I'm supposed to throw him to the dogs, but I can't. One week ago today I had sore muscles from BugBowl.
Bug fucking Bowl.
Now I'm here. Sparing feelings. His feelings. He never treated me poorly. More respectful of me than any man with which I've ever been romantically linked. I love him. That is why I can't throw him to the dogs.
Oh, I can try. Pretend. But I can't fight against what he thinks he feels. I don't deserve a broken heart. I don't. And I don't like what he's done to me. But when I'm sad, and when I miss him, I can't fight back, either.