No, Stephanie Klein has not been banished. But we have a new pal to bring to coffee.
Oh. My. The. Most. Hilarious. Woman. Ever. In. The. Land.
Go to her blog. Now. Read it all. Every word. Spend the entire night staring at your screen and digging through her archives because she's the funniest thing since... (crickets chirping, tumbleweeds blowing) ...OK, she's just the funniest thing ever.
Here is a sampling of her hilarity:
As I was pulling the door shut, I somehow managed to run the door over the toes on my right foot, thereby smooshing them to within an inch of their little toe lives. And that hurt. But the real problem was that the metal thing? That is attached to the floor and goes under the door? Which I guess is a door jamb, or something, but WHATEVER, it is fuc*ing SHARP, SHARP LIKE RAZOR, and it sliced off the pad of my toe.
I did not immediately know that, because I was too busy screaming OH MY FU*K as the dogs cowered in terror. And then I do what you always do with a toe injury, which is:
(1) Not look at it; and
(2) Attempt to walk it off.
And I had done about ten laps around the kitchen island, thinking that this was just the worst stubbed toe, like, EVER, when I finally looked down and saw that I had left bloody footprints all over the kitchen. And this is when I LOST IT COMPLETELY.
I ran upstairs and turned on the bathwater and stuck my foot under the stream, and that is when I saw that MY TOE was essentially CUT IN TWO, with half of the toe-ness just...flapping there. And I screamed bloody murder, and grabbed a phone, and called: Dukay. Of course. Because of his extensive medical knowledge, seeing as the man SELLS ADVERTISING for a living and all.
Poor Dukay answered and was treated to a hysterical me, shrieking things like, "MY TOE I CUT OFF MY TOE OW OW OW," and when he tried to get me to explain this in a manner that was, you know, remotely coherent, I just kept on saying things like, "THIS little piggy is still attached, but THAT OTHER little piggy IS STILL IN THE FU*KING GARAGE OH MY GOD, and I TRIED WALKING IT OFF but I think I walked WRONG and AHHHHHHH"
He explained that I needed to keep it under the water and then to put pressure on it and to get it over my heart, which is...y'all, that is hard when you're dealing with a toe. I ended up laying on my bed with my legs stuck in the air, FREAKING OUT and watching as blood ran down my leg, and that is when I knew I would need to call A Professional, and so I called my mother.