My boyfriend is a toddler.

I've come to know and love my friend's 14-month-old son. And by "love," I mean, "seriously, kid, call me in 18 years." (Nooo, not really. I'm not THAT creepy.)


But seriously. Kid is ADORABLE. Want to eat him. Little bites. With a spoon. His mom tells me he loves me too. I don't know how she feels about a 26-year-old woman pining over her toddler, but you know, at least she can take comfort in knowing I could fully support him in the manner to which he is accustomed.

I mean, I can buy diapers, and things. Feed him processed food. Wipe drool. I'd have it ALL under control.

Unfortunately, there is a problem. He's sort of already spoken for. Another woman. And she thinks she has it all, what with being only a year old, and all. What does she have that I don't? Other than a mouth full of gums, I suppose.

Recently, and for no other reason than to taunt our shared love interest, the other woman and I posed for a picture. A centerfold, if you will. Oh, we'd show him. He can't just toy with the emotions of not one, but two women. I mean, come on, at least save the mind games until you're in your twenties like everyone else.


And just look at her face. She totally thinks she has him wrapped under her very tiny fingers. Please. Look, lady, I've got a career, OK? I know that you just learned to walk, and can impress him with your uncanny ability to cross the room, but I bring home a paycheck. Disposable income, baby.

Last night his mom brought our picture home to her little heartbreaker. His first centerfold. She's teaching him early to appreciate the finer things in life.

I'm expecting my phone to ring any minute now, with him begging me to come back. Because this was his reaction to seeing his two favorite women in one place. Not that I'm shocked:


Kid is clearly, CLEARLY, in love with us. And can you blame him?