"I had to call you and tell you that I have the biggest boner right now." It's what I said the minute she answered the phone. The declaration, of course, met silence.
And then... she spoke.
"Did... did you just say that... to your MOTHER?"
"MOM. You don't UNDERSTAND!"
And she didn't. I was on my way out of the airport terminal, where I had attended a press conference for this weekend's air show. A press conference full of stunt pilots. And United States Air Force Demonstration Teams. Aviators. Suntans. Loud fighter jets. Flight suits. Crew cuts.
And then... MICHAEL GOULIAN.
Wait for it. Waaait for it: LE SIGH.
The name Michael Goulian is likely as familiar to the majority of you as the Chinese language, but when you spend three summers in a row meticulously covering AirVenture at the Experimental Aircraft Association, you learn who Michael Goulian is.
MY FAVORITE AIR SHOW PILOT.
I don't know shit about flying. Not a damn thing about being a pilot or maneuvering an airplane, but I am a sucker for air shows. They are THE coolest things. And his little red and green airplane tumbles and twists and does fantastic things and it's SO bad ass I cannot even talk about it.
And he was THERE. And I shook his hand. And we fornicated. And in about 10 months I will be teaching his baby child how to read.
None of the above actually occurred.
But when we met I may have spewed out a slur of words that sounded a lot like, "Oh my God hi I like you you're my favorite air pilot Oshkosh? I watch you you're good let's make out no? Remember that one time in the sky I love you do you know where I live? Can I shake your hand or sign this picture for me want to talk about birth control options?"
And so, we spoke. He had more coherent things to say than I did. I took his picture, and he gave me a press kit.
Man, that was exciting. I'm all star struck and dork-like. And luckily, for you, no longer aroused.