I'm terrible at leaving well-enough alone. Have a scab? PICK. A zit? POKE. A settled argument? LET'S TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN. I continue to beat dead horses, for lack of a better cliche. I don't know the root. I don't feel like I need the last word. Or need to win. I apparently just need to exhaust things to their very death, defeat myself and leave my forehead smacked square on my desk.
I have a past relationship that's etched into my every fiber, apparently. I can't drop it or let it go. Just when I feel its grip loosening, it crawls back inside with a text from him. A message. Communication. Then I revert back to a puddle of my former self. I want to fix it. Rekindle. Crawl back. Pull. Grab. Keep. It's all very dramatic. The comfort, the familiarity, the intensity, the love -- all things I want back, gimme, now.
The pros and cons are blurred, and I don't know right from wrong when I'm drowning in that puddle. He is the rational, voice of reason. But, of course, I find his reasoning irrational. I see what I want to see. Want what I want. Etc.
At the root of this very problem is the lack of closure surrounding the relationship's end. Without closure, how can it be closed? My mind will not close it. But really, I won't let my mind close it. I don't want it closed because I don't want it to disappear forever. I'm not ready for that. I am a lunatic, grasping at nothing.
This is the epitome of missing someone you can't have.
File this under: Life Lessons I Still Haven't Learned. Where's the "dislike" button?