I've come across the phenomenon known as heartburn. I thought heartburn, and its cousin acid reflux, only happened to slightly-overweight men in their late 50s who eat at the local greasy spoon where the cook knows his "usual," and the woman sitting next to him always offers a Tums after he reluctantly eats the throbbing cheeseburger on his plate.
And then comes the sour face. The hand on the chest.
Or at least that's what TV commercials taught me to believe.
But no, Friends, it happens to average-sized, 24-year-old women, too. Women who eat peanut butter toast for breakfast, and sip green tea all day. Women who, until recently, thought the only problems a heart could have include -attack and -break.
(Let me just quickly interject, however, and say I'd prefer heartburn over heartbreak any day. Oh, and probably heart attack, too).
I've had a burning sensation along the esophageal region for multiple days now. And man, I sound like I know what I'm talking about when I say "esophageal region." Never mind that I had to Google it.
A friend gave me a Rolaid this morning, which made my face pucker worse that the actual heartburn. I never ate chalk as a wee one, but I imagine the experience is quite similar. Needless to say, I still have heartburn.
So I have only one thing to say. And that's:
Please, please knock-it-off. Save yourself for when I actually need you. Like, when your arteries are clogged or something. Thanks. Write back soon.