(Insert creepy, seventies porn music here).


Maybe it's because I don't have TV right now. Maybe it's because I have nothing to do but slump in my bed and read a magazine. Maybe it's because the cats don't talk back.

Regardless, my apartment is quiet. Silent. It's almost creepy. Until last night, of course. Then it got creepier.

There I lay, in my bed, cozied up with the latest issue of Runner's World. It was good stuff. I was learning how to get ready for a half-marathon in three weeks. (I swear. They said I could do it). And then I heard it. First, it was a thumping. A banging, of sorts. I thought to myself, "Gosh, what are they doing upstairs? Rearranging furniture?"

And then I realized, no, it actually was a banging. Of sorts. Literally. Banging. Sexual relations. People, or at least one people, having a wildly fantastic time. Directly above my studio apartment. With their window open. (Mine was open, as well).

Oh. My. Goodness.

My ears. My virginal ears were being exposed to the sounds of the throes of passion. I didn't know what to do. I glanced nervously around the room. The cats. Did the cats hear it, too? I tried to hum to myself. Ho-hum, twiddly-dee, I can't hear you. Didn't work. I read aloud. Ducked under my covers. Grimaced. Was I actually hearing this? Does this happen in real life? Was I being Punk'd? Ashton Kutcher, you silly man, is that you?

No. It wasn't Ashton. It was a she. A very loud, clearly unaware of her vocal power, she. For a moment I considered getting up, throwing on my slippers and making my way upstairs to knock on the door:

Me: Hello. Hi. I'm Krista. I live downstairs. Yes, nice to meet you. It's quite evident to me that you display a rather healthy sexual appetite, however (lowers voice to a whisper) I can hear you. Ssssshhh.

Yeah. Not going to happen. So I waited. Embarrassed. I felt like a child catching parents in the act. I felt inappropriate in my own home. And then it ended. Just as suddenly as it began.

I had to laugh, however. Because, well, however awkward the moment was for me, it only lasted two minutes for her.