"Idol Gives Back: a running commentary," or "If you don't watch American Idol, read the dictionary instead."

It is approximately 7:06 p.m., we are six minutes into the American Idol Gives Back results show, and I wish I had TiVo. So I could fast-forward through Earth, Wind and Fire. Really? It's going to be a long two hours.

However, I'm pleased to know I can claim 32 of those 70-some-odd million votes. I am representing, people.

In addition, what is this "most shocking result ever"? What is more shocking than Sanjaya making it to Hollywood? My prediction: they will give all six idols a reprieve, and no one will go home tonight. All in the name of feeding hungry African children. Or something.

7:13 p.m. - Why is Chris wearing a white hooded sweatshirt, please? He looks like Eminem. Also, these group performances weird me out. It's corny. And Phil? I'm done with the newsboy cap. I guess they do sound kind of good together. But still. Nothing gets creepier than the Ford music videos though. Shudder.

I'm so sure by guest stars they mean, "Eric McCormack reciting the hotline for viewers before commercial breaks." Boo.

7:19 p.m. - I love Ben Stiller.

7:22 p.m. - And OK, this is depressing. I don't like to see poor, orphaned children crying. Shut up, Ryan! You're making him cry! He's only 12! Oooh. Less than a dollar a day to educate these children. See? My 32 votes will educate him for three-point-two days.

I don't know if it's disturbing or endearing to see Simon show compassion. I'll get back to you on that one.

7:30 p.m. - It's about time, the finalists. Of course Melinda is safe. As if anyone was worried. That's it? Just one?

Money says Paula will cry at least twice while visiting these kids at the boys and girls club. Oh. Guess not.

Oh for crying out loud. Il Divo? Sigh. Oooh, but I love this song! "Somewhere"? From West Side Story? Ah, gives me the chills. Whoever the Hell Il Divo is...

"Theeeere's aaaa plaaaaaaaaace for usssssss..."

Cough. Sorry. I'm caught up in the moment. I love, love, love this song. In fact, I have a Charlotte Church and Josh Groban remake of it, and it is magical. More magical than Il Divo, even.

7:41 - That is all I get of Hugh Laurie?

Huh. Jack Black could've smoked Sanjaya. Oh, Paula. Lame School of Rock joke. Oh! See? Simon's got my back on the Sanjaya remark.

Back to the finalists: (I hate that they dim the lights). BLAKE IS SAFE. Yesss. I've officially decided, though, that no one is going home tonight.

Oh boy, it's my girl Carrie. Hi, Carrie! Hi! Call me!

Aw, she's so pretty. And I love this song, too. "I'll Stand By You," The Pretenders. Remember when Gina sang it? And then she GOT KICKED OFF. Ugh. OK, back to Carrie. Hi, Carrie! She has really skinny arms. Bitch. Just kidding. All the African babies are crying again. I'm sorry, but when Carrie Underwood is singing to you, you love it. And you don't cry. And then you ask her how she gets her makeup to stay so perfect in the African heat.

7:53 p.m. - I am so over Rascal Flatts. You know, as if I was ever under them. Dude's hair, the lead singer guy, honestly. It just, I don't know, bothers me. Sort of his whole head does. At least he's not wearing leather pants and fringe.

On that note, bathroom break.

7:57 p.m. - It's MySpace Tom! I remember being friends with him. Before I had to get rid of MySpace because of some hookers.

Oh, you guys, I want to laugh at these little kids from Kentucky, but I can't because I'll go to Hell. But listen to them! Aw, their little Southern accents. They sound so ignorant. Good thing I was born in Wisconsin, and sound like a Canadian.

Paula says those kids need my money so they can buy books. What if I need my money? To pay bills? And also books from the used book sale at the library. And sometimes a box of Nerds from Wal-Mart.

8:02 p.m. - Dude, I just had a thought. If no one goes home tonight, I'm going to feel so cheated! I voted! For Blake! And Jordin! And if it didn't even count? And I don't just go around voting any time I want, dangit. Thirty-two votes isn't a walk in the park, you know.

Oh, American Idol and your cheap ploy to raise millions of dollars to save the children of Africa.

8:05 p.m. - Oh God, it's a Ford music video. I hate it. Hateful.

Oh for crying out loud. This "Stayin' Alive" celebrity montage might be creepier. Why does Teri Hatcher look like she's high?

More results: Phil. Oh, Phil. He's safe. Ev-er-y-one will be safe. I hate it. Cheated! We're so cheated, America!

8:09 p.m. - Oh, of course they're going to play "Chasing Cars" during the Ryan and Simon trip to Africa montage. Sigh. Sadness. Simon is a convincing compassionate person. Ryan's not ugly, by the way.

This is depressing. I love Simon. If I had millions of dollars, I swear I'd donate, I swear!

8:13 p.m. Speaking of Josh Groban. And I LOVE THIS SONG, TOO. "You Raise Me Up." And here I was picking on Earth, Wind and Fire, and Il Divo. The guest music is fabulous. Josh does n't suck. Not one bit. Aw, those kids are cute. And he really doesn't suck at all. Bring it, Josh Groban.

Where's Kelly Clarkson?

8:22 p.m. - Did you hear that? Two dollars saves four children's lives! Look! I saved six lives!

8:23 p.m. - KELLY CLARKSON, I LOVE YOU! But maybe not as much as I love my girl, Carrie, I won't lie. But I still love you. And whoa, have you put on some weight? You still sound good, though. I don't really like your hair, either. Huh. What's going on? Oh, wait. Your voice is making up for it again. Aw, you're good. Way to save the children, Kelly.

8:32 p.m. - Finalists, again. Let's see, who's safe? Oh, wait. ALL OF THEM. Ugh. Oh Jesus, LaKisha is safe. Now I know they're all safe. All that's left is Chris and Jordin, and we know it won't be Jordin.

8:35 p.m. - What is this duet all about? Celine Dion and... ? WHAT? ELVIS? What the Hell is going on? How is this happening? More importantly, why? He's, like, on stage. I don't get it. It's impressive, to say the least. He has a shadow, people. What is going on?

Uh. I'm dumbfounded.

8:39 p.m. - Hi Madonna. Remember that one time you had sex with a horse, or something, in that one book?

8:44 p.m. - $30 million raised for charity so far. Sweet. I'd like to thank my nimble fingers for allowing me to vote 32 (pointless) times, and donating $3.20 to the cause.

Oh, and I don't like Annie Lenox. Or this song. Whatever it is. Ho-hum. Oh, I'm dumb. "Bridge Over Troubled Water," of course I know this song. But I still don't like Annie.

8:55 p.m. - Final results: ho-hum. I TOLD YOU SO.


I may not get these two hours back. Oh, wait. This is getting dirty. This week's votes will be added to next week's, and then we'll lose TWO of the the contestants.

My prediction? Chris and Phil. Or LaKisha. Somewhere in there. LaKisha and Chris. Phil? Crap, I don't know.

Bye, guys! I apologize for wasting your time.