I need to tell you this quick story.

Mom relayed two extremely disturbing stories to me yesterday, one of which I'll share with you. The other involves a dog, baby bunny, vomit and a car, so I'll let your imagination take that one, because it's horrendous. But this one we can handle.

Her friend waltzed into the kitchen the other night and found a spider. A giant spider. Ew! I mean, I don't know if she said  "ew!" but I would have. I also would've screamed and thrown things. But I'm a wimp.

So, she stepped on it.

Ew!

If there's one thing I don't do, it's spider guts. I don't want to see it, touch it, feel it. If I have to rid my surroundings of a spider (and there's no one else around to do it for me), I'd likely use an ENTIRE ROLL of paper towel to do so, just to avoid feeling the crunch of spider guts.

Moving on.

As she smooshed the intruder, it burst open and let loose dozens of BABY GODDAMN SPIDERS! True story. They started freaking out and running every which way. Baby spiders. From the womb of their smooshed mother. And if that's not straight out of a horror movie, I do not know what is.

The end.