I don't like your tragedy.

It was another night of grilled cheese, tomato soup and pure laziness in the household. Even the cats gave up climbing the walls for the night, and that speaks volumes for Harley, who's one to chase her own scent. As I flipped through DirecTV, I almost spit when I came across Romeo + Juliet a la Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. Perhaps I'm just an awful product of pop culture, but oh my God, I love this version of the story.

That may, or may not, have once been attributed to my freakish obsession with pure appreciation for the work of Leonardo DiCaprio, but watching it again as a, cough, adult, I found it's just as horribly tragic as it was 12 years ago when I sat in English class watching it with 25 other prepubescents.

Seriously. The end. When she's crying and he's dying and I'm crying and there's poison and a gun and candles and someone please change the end of this story!


This is one movie (the other that comes to mind, surprisingly, or not, is Titanic) that each and every time I watch it my stomach hurts because I desperately need a new, less tragic, ending. Why, Leo, do you have to keep dying over and over? In every movie? Please, just once, get on the goddamn piece of floating debris with Rose, or take notice when Juliet moves her godforsaken hand before downing that poison.


The world would need a little less Xanax, I think, with less tragic endings.

You know what's another one? Of Mice and Men circa 1992. Damn. When George has to shoot Lennie when all Lennie wants to talk about is the rabbits, George. The rabbits! Tell me about the rabbits, George.


I shudder just thinking about it. That was the first movie to make me cry. Followed, of course, just two years later by The Lion King, whose Mufasa death scene is another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad movie moment in the history of my movie watching.


However, with all of that said, I suppose I never would change the ending of these movies. The tragedy is the appeal, I suppose. Sure, we'd all leave with butterflies in our hearts and puppies in our minds if Romeo and Juliet actually made it to Mantua and lived happily ever after, but would we really feel as much as we do when we watch them die as a result of pure heartbreak?

I vote no.

What movies leave a pit in your stomach? Would you change the endings?

(You know another one? The Green Mile.)