I can't be well.

Generally, when I grocery shop on an empty stomach, I come home with the following: pickles, pizza, chocolate frosting, graham crackers and a box of Nerds. Sometimes a CD. And milk. The occasional bag of Doritos. (No, I am not and never have been pregnant when these shopping excursions take place).

(Swear to God).

So tonight when I stopped at (Super!) Wal-Mart on my way home from work - because I was STARVING, as per usual, and the cupboards were bare - I almost wet myself over what I actually purchased.

Salad. Mushrooms! Toilet paper?

I got health food? (And toilet paper?)

SALAD AND PORTABELLA MUSHROOMS! Really, me!? You don't eat that!

I need you guys to understand several things about me. One, I tend to have the diet of an 18-year-old college freshman. I'll eat what's there. (Often consists of pickles, graham crackers and chocolate frosting).

And B) one time, when I was approximately, oh, twenty-five (just kidding, I was 11), my parents baked an Italian dinner with mushrooms in it. I CRIED. I criiiiiiied, you guys. Because I hated mushrooms. So much. In fact, I hated them so much I'd never actually consumed one. I just knew (knew!) that I'd hate them with my whole being. And so I didn't eat the dinner.

And here I am buying mushrooms at the grocery store as a recreational activity. The entire time, my inner-self was screaming. Keep in mind my inner self still is an 18-year-old college freshman, all hyped up on freedom and Captain & Cokes.

"Oooo. Salad. Wow, that sounds fantastic." (REALLY, KRISTA!? REALLY! Salad! Where is the pizza?)

"No, no thank you. I want salad." (You are hateful!) (HATEFUL!)

"Oh, look at the mushrooms. Dammit, they look delicious. And I can dip them in ranch dressing. Definitely need them. Now." (Are you forgetting about that one time when you were 11, you little baby?! You CRYBABY!)

"La, la, la. I love salad and mushrooms!" (You're dead to me.)

But here I am, eating salad and mushrooms for dinner. I don't understand. I feel like I need to be concerned for my well-being. As in, I'm too well.