Harley vs. Bug With Eleventeen Hundred Legs.

The sound is really more of a bark, but I've never been one to assume Harley is 100 percent feline.

"Meee-ar-ar-ar-ar-yow. Yow. Yar-ow."

I froze. That was it. The, "Lady, there's a bug in here and I want it and help me now," yelp. My first thoughts, of course, were somewhere along the lines of, "I'm so sure my cat speaks Yiddish," and "Shit. A bug."

I moseyed into the kitchen, the origin of the Yiddish Cat Speak, and sure enough, a millipede. On the kitchen cabinet. Big. Very big, with, like, eleventeen hundred and 42 legs, at least. And I swear it was talking. Those creatures are civilized, man. Harley sat patiently on the floor, staring at the intruder, death in her eyes. I immediately wanted to throw up in my mouth or run screaming, but I did neither, and instead put Harley onto the counter, where she'd have a better aim at capturing It Which Makes My Skin Crawl. Literally. With Eleventeen Hundred Legs.

And, well, because Harley is an idiot, she simply knocked it off the cabinet and watched it scurry at approximately 97 mph across the floor.

"Meee-ar-ar-ar-ar-yow. Yow. Yar-ow."

I just screamed.

Eventually, Harley realized, "Oh, this is FUN. A BUG!" and scampered after the Hellion On Legs. One paw at a time, she tapped the creature, as if testing how hot it might be. Not fazed in the least at this pathetic attempt at brutal murder, Giant Bug kept right on his way. At 97 mph.

Frantic, and still screaming, I gave up on Harley's ability to protect me in the manner to which I am accustomed, and grabbed the nearest object - a Swiffer Sweeper - and pounded in every direction the Killer Millipede may or may not have gone. After my tirade, I discovered the writhing creature on the floor, debating whether to die or eat me.

He chose death. PHEW.

And, of course, I'm not touching that mess with a 408-foot pole, so, well, I left him there, all dead-like. I kept a watchful eye, however, to assure he didn't, like, regenerate or something, and continue his mission to suck out my brains in my sleep.

But, sure enough, Harley found the carcass.

"Oh, this is FUN. A BUG!"

And before I could scream or throw up or cure cancer, she ate it.

At which point I screamed. And she ran away to go chase shadows, belly full of bug.