Game show contestant.

I recently signed up for a new service plan and cell phone, which is a pain in itself with all the activation fees and contact importing and rebate forms and clueless employees. But this particular experience was made especially stressful by an identification quiz. True story. I had to be put on the phone with a customer service representative, who would then quiz me about myself to make sure I am, in fact, me.

Stressful.

No, seriously.

Will you laugh at me if I admit I was nervous for it? Like, night-before-an-exam nervous. Like, what if I don't know the answer or it's a trick question? nervous. I began feverishly reciting my social security number in my head, and trying to remember the address of the house I lived in when I was 8.

Then all of the numbers began to confuse me, and suddenly I forgot my own age.

Shit!

I need to start off by saying this: I am entirely creeped out by the amount of information cell phone companies know about me. The first question asked, "Of the following universities, which did you attend?" The question was followed by answers A) through D).

Ooo! B! It's B! I know this one!

I think I actually had excitement in my voice when I replied, like, "Take that, sucker. Can't fool me. Final answer, man. Final answer."

This was getting good.

I began wringing my hands in anticipation, a series of numbers consisting of addresses and former phone numbers and the birth date of my deceased grandfather running through my mind.

"Of the following vehicles, which do you currently drive?"

I know this, I know this, I know this! The child in me raised her hand frantically to be called upon.

"A) a Lexus."

Mmm, nope.

"B) a Ford Taurus"

Uh-uh.

"C) a Cavalier"

"C!" I blurted into the phone in a hushed voice, as to not scare the other customers. "It's C! A Cavalier!"

Man, I was proud. And so smart. And still nervous. The quiz wasn't over yet, and who knew what she intended to ask now. The fate of my entire identity could rest on the next two minutes of my life

Thankfully, it turns out I know myself pretty well. I know the exact city I live in, even, and the name of my previous employer.

Phew.

:: wipes sweat from brow ::

Unfortunately, I did not win a million dollars or a trip to Hawaii, and actually, all I got was a pretty hefty first month's phone bill and a phone with functions I don't understand, but dangit, if I didn't know the answers to all those questions.

All in a day's work, my friends. All in a day's work.