I have a pattern: 1) Meet someone new.
2) Be really, really, happy about it.
3) Follow that with really, really insecure.
4) Wash, rinse, repeat.
This goes for all relationships - friendly, romantic or otherwise. It's a nagging self-doubt that's plagued me since I knew how to spell 'doubt.' I don't know where it comes from, but I'm always struggling to blame someone or something for it. In the last few weeks, alone, I've met so many new people and gained so many new relationships from it, and now the signs are starting to appear.
I read into everything. Every word. Every action. Every motion. I'm sensitive to it all. What does it mean? What does it not mean? What did I do? What should I do? What should I not do? What did he do? What did she do? What do I say?
I have a very hard time accepting things as they are. Accepting that others genuinely want me around. Which is both ridiculous and irritating as hell. In my brain, everyone has an ulterior motive. And maybe that's because for so long people did have ulterior motives when it came to me. I've been treated poorly, a lot. But I've also been treated amazing, by friends, by boyfriends, by family. I have every reason and no reason at all to have built a wall.
But I hate walls. I hate insecurity. I find myself in awe of people who just are. People who don't question, who just do. I would give a lot to have that. To be that. To accept that good things happen to good people, just as bad things happen to those same people. Instead of biting my nails and wondering, I want to feel and know that I deserve good. Because, goddammit, I do.
It wasn't until recently that I realized I'm terrified of the good. In that moment, it sort of stopped me in my tracks. What if it goes away? I had good once, and Good was fucking someone else for the last half of our relationship. I was devastated. I had good once, and a huge falling out left me about 15 friends short. I felt alone. But do I want to be more afraid of the potential bad than I am excited for the present good?
No. Not really.
That's hard. I don't want to be hurt. Ever. But, who does? Nobody. Nobody asks for it. So we all deal in our own way. Some of us embrace what we have, live in the now. Others shut down, keep the good away. I don't want the latter to be me.