I couldn't zip the back of my dress this morning. It zipped halfway, then got stuck. I attempted some sort of newfangled pilates-esque movement to stretch my arms behind my back to reach the zipper to no avail. I removed my arms from the dress, twisted and jerked the dress around, and tried to yank the zipper from the front. That didn't work either. By this point, my fingers hurt. The zipper's so small, I can't quite grip it. And now I'm starting to sweat. Like, literally. I'm sweating. And it's uncomfortable. I have on heels, half a dress - on backwards, no less, and I'm sweating. I gave up at that point, deciding I'd just wear a different dress. But now I can't take this one off. The zipper also won't go down. It's zipped too tight to pull the dress over my head, and it's certainly not sliding over my hips. I'm late to work. WHATTHEFUCK. I sit down. I consider crying, but realize that won't help me take off the dress any faster. I decide my only option now is to break the zipper. Just rip it. As I'm gripping each side of the zipper to give it a mighty tug, I consider scissors for just a second. That seems drastic, so I tug, saying a silent apology to the dress and my already meager wardrobe. The zipper budges, and suddenly I realize it's going to zip. I quickly turn the dress back around, slide my arms through, reach behind my back and feel as the zipper slides completely up my back. I WON, you asshole. It's then I realize I'll probably never get this dress to come off at the end of the day. I hate you, dress.