Despite the lack of snow and general Christmas weather, Christmas is in four days. This is, by far, my favorite time of year (more so if there was said snow on the ground, but alas). The unfortunate irony is that while it's my absolute favorite holiday and season, I find Christmas to also be overwhelmingly sad. I love Christmas trees, Christmas lights, Christmas carols, the general joy in the air, the bell ringers, the smell of pine trees, the spirit of giving, the Christmas cookies, but it's a terribly sad time to be alone. A terribly sad time to be unemployed. A terribly sad time to be terribly sad.
Sometimes, specifically days like today when I wanted to curl up and feel bad for myself (and did with much success), I miss Christmases past. Spending Christmas vacation at home with my parents. Decorating the tree, listening to Kenny G's Christmas album. Sleeping in my sister's room on Christmas Eve, waiting impatiently for Santa to show up. So simple, yet always so much pleasure came out of it.
I know the season is not about gifts, but it's hard to go home for Christmas and have hardly a thing to give to my family, who's done everything and more for me this year. And every year. It's hard to sit in my apartment and stare at my tree by myself. It's hard to be rejected from my job, and jobs I've never been given the chance to have, and from people I cared about, all in the last two months, and still feel jolly.
This year had a dozen ups and just as many downs. I would like it to be over, please. I will embrace 2012 with open arms. My thirtieth year. But first I need to get my head out of my ass and stop pitying my way through my favorite holiday season.