Because the Reese and Ryan split has nothing on this.

You guys. Are you sitting down?

Please, sit.

My mom broke up with Bon Jovi.

Oh my God, I know! I can't believe it. One minute, it's all, "Dear Bon Jovi, potentially you are the father of my children, maybe, and did you know, I almost got a tattoo of the 'Have A Nice Day' album cover?" To, "I've obsessed over him too long. I must move on."

I actually tried to get her to reconsider. Told her Bon, himself, is coming to the state TWO TIMES this summer, and she refused. "But I WANT to break up with him," she argued. "I've had enough." She didn't even flinch at the prospect of Bon Jovi's tight pants and coiffed hair.

I worried for a minute that maybe she ate something bad, or perhaps had a fever. Because MY MOM does not turn away Bon Jovi. This is, like, the end of a revolution. Like that one time I took down my *NSync posters or when I stopped watching Titanic after the 26th time, and accepted the fact that Jack died, people.

Sigh. A moment of silence for Bon, please.

But then she told me why she broke up with him. It was sort of like my breakup with Michael Jackson when he turned white, or like the end of my relationship with John Mayer when he turned into a trio: Bon Jovi went country.

What the... ?

An actual country album will be released. And country music to my mom is about as welcome as line dancing at my wedding (read: it's NOT happening). And that's really all the explanation I need. Because there will be NO line dancing at my wedding, especially if the music is sung by Jon Bon.