Because I just don't do 5 a.m. with any sort of grace.

I've been up since 5 a.m. By CHOICE. I actually volunteered to work a 6 a.m. to 3 p.m. shift for three days this week. SIX A.M. As in, it's still dark at 6 a.m. and I'm at work.

My alarm went off at 5 a.m. and I first considered throwing up in my mouth because, who wakes up at this hour? WHO? And, it's dark. And The Cats are all "WTF broad, why are you waking up right now? Jesus."

They need their beauty sleep. As do I. And I'm pretty sure the extra two-and-a-half hours of sleep I would normally get on a Wednesday morning do the trick. So, I'm ugly. And tired. And the sun JUST came up, but don't worry, I woke up to the MOON. And The Cats are now all, "Why are we awake? And why are you feeding us right now? We need to be doing things such as knocking objects over and jumping on you while you sleep at this hour."

I also stopped at a gas station at approximately 5:56 a.m. to get a cappuccino. And OTHER people are actually alive at this hour, as well. And I am shocked. And I'm thinking, "We should form a club. A 'Why Are We Awake When The Moon Is Still Out?' Club." And I will be a member. And also president.

So now the cappuccino gave my a belly ache, and I'm hungry, but my stomach is not capable of producing digestive enzymes at this time of day because I SHOULD BE SLEEPING. So I can't eat. And I'm all, off.

However, when the clock strikes 3 p.m., and I'm on my way out the door, I shall laugh and say, "Ha, suckers. You still have two hours of work left."

And everyone will punch me in the face, and also remind me that I have to do this again tomorrow morning. Crap.