I haven't played the role of babysitter in a good, long time. Not since before I could drive. In those days, I'd hack my way through it - change a diaper here, make some macaroni and cheese there. The kid would cry? I'd give her whatever she wanted to make her stop. No harm done. On Sunday, I was asked to babysit. A BABY. Not just any baby, but THIS ONE:
Um, you don't just babysit a baby that precious and not pee your pants a little bit. THAT baby?! All to MYSELF!? (And it's my responsibility to keep her alive!??)
Erin and Dave had a hot date to attend to, so I got the honors of "sitting with the baby," as Erin so eloquently phrased it. Her baby, Alice. Which is still mind-blowing to me. Erin - my macaroni and cheese loving friend - has a baby. A baby! Sigh. So grown up!
Anyway, when the time came, I brought Rob along, if for no other reason than to get caught making out on the couch when the parents got home. I was also going to make beautiful memories with Alice that we'd reminisce about when she became old enough to converse. We'd cuddle, play with toys, form an inseparable bond. She'd call me "Aunt Krista."
However, Alice had other plans. Namely, crying. Like, hysterically. Like, OMG-what-have-you-done-to-my-mom-who-are-you-I-hate-my-life-someone-help-me-PLEASE crying. As soon as Erin handed her to me. I am defective. I make babies cry. Just the mere act of holding them in my arms. My plan was not going accordingly.
There we were - Krista, Rob and Alice - sitting atop a colorful blanket on the floor, each one of us wondering what the hell we were doing.
Krista: Blink. Blink-blink.
Rob: Hi baby! Hi! Do you like ME? Baby! Hi!
This was so not going according to plan. But I'll be damned if she wasn't the cutest crying baby I'd ever seen. Seriously. That pouty lip. That nose. Those giant tears. And then... she stopped. Just, stopped.
Rob: She likes me!
Alice: OMG WTF.
We kept her busy with stuffed animals and tickles and cell phones and juice. We bounced her on laps and showed her Christmas trees and taught her Scientology.
(True story. Rob's idea. Something like, "So, Alice, one day, long, long ago, we were all ruled by a man named Xenu. Xenu was a powerful monster, and we all lived in volcanoes. Volcanoes! A little later, I'll tell you about our great leader, Tom Cruise...")
Just when she was about to fall in love with us, and let us take her home as our own, mom and dad returned, looking relieved. (OMG, she's still alive!) I think Alice was relieved, too. (I mean, really? Tom Cruise? Who the hell are these people?)
Thankfully everyone survived. And I'm convinced Alice will be asking for me any day now...