You see, my parents, they are WONDERFUL. What with giving me life, providing a good home, watching proudly as I developed into the young woman I am this fine day.
And then they go and shock me. They top ALL of these things. Not only did they sustain my life for 18 (plus) years, but they also gave me a gift better than life - they gave me air-conditioning. And then. And THEN, friends, they continued to top themselves. They gave me a Swiffer Sweeper & Vac.
This thing they handed me of their own free will, this creation greater than internet or seamless panties, is fan-tas-tic. It sweeps and vacuums. Holy crap. And if you knew the unbearable state that was formerly my (old, decrepit) hardwood floor, you would now realize the fantastic-ness of this situation.
A broom would not do. A vacuum? Well, my vacuum (which is currently on loan to The Fiance and his carpeted apartment) is all clumsy and big-like, and not at all bend-y and flexible and as light as this Swiffer creation.
And my floor? Dis-gus-ting. Think pet dander. Now think ABSOLUTELY OUT OF CONTROL TO POINT WHERE ONE CAN BUILD OWN CAT FROM PILES OF DANDER ON SAID FLOOR. I fully believe that when I am not home, The Cats sit on the floor and take turns pulling each other's fur out, and even though it hurts like Hell, they get immense pleasure in my reaction when I take four steps across the floor and have a new kitten caught between my toes. Ha. Take that Mom. How dare you feed us and love us and give us fresh water and a place to sleep and pet us and cuddle us and, OHMYGOD, our lives our so rough, evil woman.
Oh, yes. This is what they say to me.
And I sweep. Boy, do I sweep. Like, several times a day. But I can't keep up with the cat litter and the multiplying cat hairs and the festering dust bunnies that build up under my computer desk and threaten to eat me alive. So I resort to walking around in flip-flops. Or slippers. Or anything to avoid having to wipe the bottoms of my feet before I crawl into bed.
But now? NOW I have salvation. I Swiffered the absolute Hell out of my apartment this morning. And the angels sang, Heaven opened up, you know, all that usual crap that happens when good things happen. And it is AWESOME. My floor is clean. It has no dander. As a matter of fact, I could hear future generations of would-be, dander-kittens squealing in horror as I sucked them up. And I can WALK BAREFOOT across the floor. And The Cats are horrified because, NO, ALL OUR HARD WORK IS RUINED! And I laughed in their faces (even though they're probably tearing their fur out furiously as I type this, trying to remedy the cleanliness).
But alas, I will only break out the Swiffer again and again until they are so defeated that they've literally run out of fur and can no longer dander up my apartment. They haven't won yet.