I tend to be very obsessed with the passing of time. Particularly as time passes after some awful life event. Once I reach the one year mark, I feel free. I feel like I can officially erase the memory from my mind and start fresh. I need that year, you know, to mope or be angry or regret. It takes an entire 365 days. And then - poof! It's gone. Then I can close the door and look forward to living without a countdown. In just over three months, it will mark one year since I moved to Madison. A WHOLE YEAR. By far the quickest year of my life, I'm not even kidding. And thank god. I was literally in the midst of a post-breakup breakdown, I turned 27, and two days later a new life began here. It was absolutely the best decision I could've ever made for myself at the time. I was in a bad, bad place - literally and figuratively
But I've been counting down ever since. First I used to countdown from the breakup - Jan. 24. But somehow I shifted from that date to Feb. 6, the day I packed up and moved on. Time passes so slowly at first. I used to wonder how I survived three months without him. THREE WHOLE MONTHS. That's forever when you're broken. And then life moved on. The countdown became more of a countdown to a different kind of freedom. My first year on my own, in so many ways. A new city with very little friends around. New and unfamiliar jobs, once I finally found some. Just me.
I need the year to end. I need to be able to say, "I did that. I survived that year. I found stability." And I'm so close. An entire year!
And it's not always fun. Just last night I curled up in my electric blanket and cried for a while. Just because I needed to. It's just me, and that's a lonely number sometimes. But I had a good chat last night with an old friend (does spring make it old already?) and a great run with a new friend this morning.
This is a great place to live, and it's full of great people. It's hard to be "just me" as a grownup. Making friends, being OK with a Friday night at home with two cats and tears. But I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't give this year back. I'd keep that breakup, I'd keep the summer without a job, the struggling, the lonliness. Because, goddammit, I like me. And I'm just fine with just me.
In just three months the year is over. And everything is brand new. That's going to make it all worthwhile.
So that's all I had to say today. Happy Halloween to you!