A lesson in mortality.

You guys. Do you want to hear the most tragic story of your (MY) entire lives? CLAUDE THE DOG ATE MY BLACKBERRY YESTERDAY.

Yes. I know. Go ahead. I'll give you time to sit down.

My BlackBerry! All chomp-chompity-chomped! I mean, come on. Imagine the scene.. Me, walking into the bedroom, all fresh from a shower. Claude, on the bed, all precious as usual.




Claude, what's in your mouth?





That was my BlackBerry in his mouth. My one true love. My key to the outside world. Wait. My key to the ENTIRE world. All that I hold dear. Etc., etc., etc., tragedy, etc., OMG, etc.

I picked it up, trembling. It was alive! In fact, unbeknownst to him, he'd been entering a Facebook status! It read something like, "swvhdywj," but I'm pretty sure that means, "that'll teach you to be dependent on a smart phone, bitch," in Dog Speak.

I surveyed the damage. Yup, teeth marks. Uh huh, sure, cracked screen. Oh, yes, hole in the screen. Ah, OK, that piece there is definitely broken off.

I'M SO SORRY, BLACKBERRY, I'M SO SORRY! Is this why they preach never to leave babies unattended?? Because dogs will eat them?? Why! Why did I never LISTEN?

Big sigh. Big, deep sigh.

Within about 1.7 minutes, however, I realized I had insurance on my BlackBerry. INSURANCE. That ridiculous industry that employs me is good for SOMETHING. Suddenly, I was excited. I was HAPPY. I was high-fiving Claude. I could get a NEW BlackBerry! For only a $50 deductible! And just like that I was over it. I filed a claim immediately. The replacement was to be shipped overnight.

How quickly I forget my one true love when a newer, better, not-damaged one is waved in front of me.

And so now I'm sitting outside, you guys. On the front steps of my building. Waiting for my new BlackBerry. While blogging from my old one.

The UPS tracking site says it's in transit in Middleton. That's, like, really close. So, it MUST be here soon, right? I don't trust my doorbell. I don't even know for certain that I HAVE a doorbell, if we're being 97 percent honest.

So I will sit here on this stoop. And I will wait. Dammit.

Besides, the sexy firemen at the station across the street are draining their hoses outside. (Giggle). And I just know at any minute they could start posing for a calendar.