I've not always been the best friend. I am human. Weird, right? I've had falling outs within many groups of friends as far back as high school. It happens among the females. I've been disappointing, I've been disappointed. So many close friends in my life have been like sisters to me. I love them unconditionally, but goddamn, they can piss me off. Irritate me. Dumbfound me. Disappoint me. And at the same time, they bring an amazing, dynamic relationship into my life. It's my personality. As much as I love the people in my life, I'm also a bit of a homebody. I love alone time. I love quiet. I love keeping to myself from time to time. Too much of too many people and I'm, like, clawing at the walls wanting to escape. I liken it to going home for a weekend to spend time with family. I can't WAIT to get there. I love my family. It's typically always a great time. But by Sunday night all I want to do is throw myself through the storm door window and run back to my home where it is safe and quiet and I don't have to talk to anyone anymore. It makes me grumpy. All I want at that moment is me. As much as I fear, "Wow, what if I'm alone my whole life?" I realize, "Wow, I'm really good at alone."
But many of the ways I've behaved in friendships has disappointed even myself. Some of the things I've thought, and in some cases, said, have made me realize I'm certainly not being a good friend all the time. I think of how I'd feel if it were reversed, and I'd be hurt. A lot. We girls can be so fickle and so catty. And when I find out the situation has been reversed, there I am, hurt. I shouldn't be surprised. I am anyway.
I want to be a better friend. I need to be a better friend. I want to be the friend I want for myself. I want to only put effort into a friendship if effort is deserved. Friendships should be open, honest. There should be communication. In so many ways they're just like romantic relationships. There is no space in my life, or my mind, for the petty. For the exhaustion of friendships that aren't true. Especially not now. I have enough to worry about. Some friendships, like relationships, just aren't meant to be. There doesn't need to be an argument. There doesn't need to be a falling out. There doesn't need to be ill feelings. All that's left is the slow letting go of a person who's no longer providing a positive in your life.
It's sad. But it's life.
But just maybe it makes room for personal growth and something happier.