Fear.
I have a pattern:
1) Meet someone new.
2) Be really, really, happy about it.
3) Follow that with really, really insecure.
4) Wash, rinse, repeat.
This goes for all relationships – friendly, romantic or otherwise. It’s a nagging self-doubt that’s plagued me since I knew how to spell ‘doubt.’ I don’t know where it comes from, but I’m always struggling to blame someone or something for it. In the last few weeks, alone, I’ve met so many new people and gained so many new relationships from it, and now the signs are starting to appear.
I read into everything. Every word. Every action. Every motion. I’m sensitive to it all. What does it mean? What does it not mean? What did I do? What should I do? What should I not do? What did he do? What did she do? What do I say?
I have a very hard time accepting things as they are. Accepting that others genuinely want me around. Which is both ridiculous and irritating as hell. In my brain, everyone has an ulterior motive. And maybe that’s because for so long people did have ulterior motives when it came to me. I’ve been treated poorly, a lot. But I’ve also been treated amazing, by friends, by boyfriends, by family. I have every reason and no reason at all to have built a wall.
But I hate walls. I hate insecurity. I find myself in awe of people who just are. People who don’t question, who just do. I would give a lot to have that. To be that. To accept that good things happen to good people, just as bad things happen to those same people. Instead of biting my nails and wondering, I want to feel and know that I deserve good. Because, goddammit, I do.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized I’m terrified of the good. In that moment, it sort of stopped me in my tracks. What if it goes away? I had good once, and Good was fucking someone else for the last half of our relationship. I was devastated. I had good once, and a huge falling out left me about 15 friends short. I felt alone. But do I want to be more afraid of the potential bad than I am excited for the present good?
No. Not really.
That’s hard. I don’t want to be hurt. Ever. But, who does? Nobody. Nobody asks for it. So we all deal in our own way. Some of us embrace what we have, live in the now. Others shut down, keep the good away. I don’t want the latter to be me.
I said it: August 16th, 2010 under krittabug.
Comments
Comment from Kristin / @tinmakeup
August 16, 2010 at 3:21 pm
I have such a problem with this that I’ve been telling everyone that law school is my boyfriend and I just don’t have time/energy/etc for a man in my life. While that is partly true, it’s also become my defense. If I’m not even open to meeting someone then there’s no WAY I can get hurt, right? There’s also no way I’ll meet Mr. Wonderful. I’m not being too hard on myself about it at the moment, but the wall will have to come down at some point… You’re on the right track. It’s hard as hell, but be brave! It will be ok. 
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August 16, 2010 at 3:45 pm
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by krittabug, Kristin Lindemann. Kristin Lindemann said: Me too. :/ RT @krittabug: New post on krittabug.com: Fear. – http://tinyurl.com/2d7udk5 [...]
Comment from Jonathan
August 16, 2010 at 7:41 pm
I agree that it can be hard to accept that other people might like us just for who we are, with no ulterior motive. It took me about 45 years to figure this out, so I’m hoping to damn hell you get it way sooner than I did. All I can say is that if you can learn to be totally okay with yourself and live with your own flaws and foibles without condemning yourself, you open up a lot of possibilities. For one thing, liking yourself makes you a more likeable person. For another, liking yourself allows you to see the good in other people too. Trust me, I learned the hard way that you cannot be HARD on yourself and EASY with everyone else. It doesn’t work that way.
At any rate, you are a very cool person, whom I admire and whose talents I respect. I think you have great poise and strength and are clearly very clever.
Also, my dog worships you, and that’s a good sign.
Comment from Sarah
August 16, 2010 at 8:43 pm
I want you around. I just hope you have time for little old me with all the new, exciting things and people in your life. :-*
Comment from Erika
August 16, 2010 at 9:22 pm
For what it’s worth, I missed you after you left on Saturday. You fill up a room with light. Be who you are. It suits you.
Comment from LesleyG
August 16, 2010 at 9:49 pm
Trouble accepting that others genuinely want me around could be the story of my life. To this day, it sometimes baffles me. I’m getting better at it, but not perfect.
As for having the good, and knowing the good, I think you learn from that. I think you see signs, differences even, and you get the privilege of redefining what good is for you. I think that comes with all stages of life, really, even if there is never bad, or bad disguised as good. If you’re aware of it, you do keep getting better, and what’s good is not only easier to see, it’s easier to find.
I don’t think that made any sense. Sorry. Good night, and good luck!
Comment from randi
August 17, 2010 at 9:24 pm
HI lovey!!!!!!!! ok, is this why I haven’t seen you in like 3 (or maybe only 2 but pretty sure 3) WEeKS!!!! NEWS FLASH- I love you tons, to the moon and back, AND also, I want you around, otherwise i wouldn’t be nagging you everyday to see you! tee hee. Yes, i know some ppl may think that new relationships are annoying or wahtever, but i LOVE the fact you are HAPPY, hate the fact i haven’t seen you since, BUT yes LOVE LOVE LOVE that my kritta is happy! AND I still need to see you soon. Ill run early with you! (see I’m desperate but miss you terribly. YOu KNOW you can’t be replaced HELLO!) ok, im done being selfish………. 
I want to see the new place too, how does harley and chicken like it???
OH OH OH- AND PS- you better accept that people GENUINELY WANT YOU AROUND b/c you can’t get rid of me (or tom) that easily!!!!!! xooxoxoxoox
Comment from randi
August 17, 2010 at 9:25 pm
one more thing, don’t judge my grammar, it’s late, I’ve had wine, and i’m attempting to do applications! hahha so, please excuse my poor grammar usage etc!
Comment from Jess
August 17, 2010 at 9:41 pm
Oh my gosh. I just had a long, very teary conv. about this with my life coach. If you EVER, EVER need to talk, I am here for you.
And FYI, before you posted this, I never would have expected you felt this way. I look up to you and the way you live your life so open and willing to put yourself out there. I wished I was more like you, and now I realize, we are more alike than I ever thought.
Love you!
Comment from Krista
August 18, 2010 at 8:37 am
Hi all! Thanks for all the kind words and tips and advice. It’s nice to know we’re all a little bit the same. Love to all of you! XOs.
Comment from Myka
August 19, 2010 at 4:57 pm
Dude. You are me. And apparently there are a bunch of other me’s (see comment section). Great. Not sure if that makes me feel better or sorry for us all. Sigh…
Comment from JennieBrand
August 16, 2010 at 3:21 pm
Adore you post, Krista. I, as well, have a huge problem with overanalyzing absolutely everything, but I’m working really hard to find a balance to it all that suits me best. What I’ve discovered already is making sure to set aside time for an activity/hobby/etc. that allows you to shut your mind off and just ignore what’s going on around you. For instance, you know I’m a big fan of reading, though I frequently noticed in the recent past I wasn’t making an effort to do it throughout my week. I reserved the pleasure of reading for when I finally hapazardly found a book I was interested in. Now, I make sure to read something for at least an hour after work/before bed on days that I can. It’s done me wonders. My mind’s on without worrying about personal bullshit, half of which you have no control over anyway. Hopefully, you can find something like that, and test it. I don’t know, just a suggestion.